April 2008; always adding new material

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What I think in the most superficial and tangential way.


POSTED April 30, 2008

THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING WAL-MART

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-M art. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak you r arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don 't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

IMAGES

Just some good pictures

DA VINCI CODE

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

GOOD HEALTH

Dr. LaCoste Health questions and answers.

ALASKA

Fast Food in Alaska ??

THE BET

Two families move from Pakistan to America.
When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see in a year's time which family has become more Americanized. A year later they meet again. The first man says, "My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"
The second man replies, "Fuck you, towelhead."

POSTED April 29, 2008

FOR SALE

Craig's List Ad hahaha....It doesn't get much better than this... For Sale Blocks

NICE BEING OVER 50

Perks of being over 50 years of age.

NICE CAR

So, there she was just driving along and somehow she caught my eye. We exchanged glances and she was decent enough to let me know she was married..... What is the make of car she is driving?

WHY AMERICANS DON'T IMMIGRATE TO ARAB COUNTRIES

This is simple culture

WINDOWS XP SP3 RELEASED

The long awaited release of Windows XP Service Pack 3 has finally arrived. Its been almost 4 years since SP2 was released. With close to a hundred updates since SP2, Service Pack 3 has been needed. It appears this will be the last service pack for Windows XP. Microsoft plans to stop selling retail versions of Windows XP on June 30, 2008. So anyone who has not upgraded to Windows XP should think seriously about upgrading before this date.

Is there anything special in the Windows XP SP3 release?

Although Windows XP SP3 will not include any major changes, it will include all the patches and updates since SP2 was released along with 4 minor new features dealing with reliability and security.
Where can I download Windows XP Service Pack 3?
Currently the only link is to a PDF document with an overview of SP3. It will also be available as an optional update through the Windows Update service starting tomorrow, although wont be pushed to customers automatically until June 10, 2008 according to Microsoft's schedule.
Download Windows XP Service Pack 3 (Overview)

POSTED April 28, 2008

WOMAN EVER WONDER?

Ever Wonder Why Men Cheat?

FOR MEN

A fairy tale for men men

WOW!

WELL, It finally happened ...

MAN CAVE

What does a real man's cave look like, see Here

NEW TREATMENT FOR SUNBURN

A guy fell asleep on the beach for Several hours And got horrible sunburn,Specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed Continuous intravenous feeding With saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'? The doctor replied,it won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.
It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, w earing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

POSTED April 25, 2008

CREEPY GIRL

Move your mouse around and watch the Creepy Girl From Motion Portrait Yipes!

WHY? WATCH IT AND LET ME KNOW!

Ok; turn on your speakers and watch this for only "TWO" reasons.

POSTED April 24, 2008

SIMPLE MATH

Just click it, it's a Power Point presentation on very simple math...

JUST IN FROM DEMARK

To: AMERICA
"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer. On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?"

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

This is the level of dedication we expect from all employees!
Thank you, The Management

WELFARE

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy h er sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage The salary is $200,000 a year.'
The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'
The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . . you started it!!!

POSTED April 23, 2008

UGLY ULTIMATUM

Warning from the Taliban -- Ugly ultimatum
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers, and possible candidates for President of the United States. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps, and then Motel 6 managers. This war is getting ugly...

CAR BUFFS

Just click it, it's a Power Point presentation on the Bugatti "HAVE AN EXTRA $2.6 MILLION?"

WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS

Words with two Meanings \ IMAGINE!

AMERICA IS ALL MOST THERE

It's not far off......

STELLA AWARDS

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"!
For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for the past year

TATTOO

"TATTOO you hope your daughter never gets; P.S. and it actually eats bananas too!

POSTED April 22, 2008

GONE FISHING

A Good Day Fishing but Tough Trip Home

ABOUT CARS

I do not know much about cars, and I was wondering if you could answer one little question for me?

POSTED April 18, 2008

PORN FOR THE BLIND

It's bad enough when you can see it. But what if you have a visual impairment?

DISNEY'S THE DARK SIDE



POSTED April 17, 2008

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
And returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'

NEW CURRENCY

Darned clever, these Canadians!
Perhaps America and Europe should consider changing their currencies too.
Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen. Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting.
The Canadians have decided to redesign their currency to prevent the radical Muslims from even touching it! It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on tourism :
See how they change the money.

PROHIBITION

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster. Would you quit drinking?

THE BARBER OF SEVILLE

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About two hours.
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said,' About three hours.
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.
'A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,
'Your house.

POSTED April 16, 2008

THEY FOUND HER

Uncanny resemblance! They've found Popeye's Mom...

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes, Ponderisms

POSTED April 15, 2008

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

Just click it, it's a Power Point presentation on "Circle of Life"

WEDDING

Wedding in Rural America.....

POSTED April 14, 2008

NEW ALUMINUM COMPOUND BOW

Recounting the history of archery is not only the story of the arrow and bow, but a journey through the evolution of human society. Bowed tools have helped feed and clothe us, as well as aid in the conquest of nations.
Question: What kind of bow is this?

POSTED April 11, 2008

GOOD GOLF WIFE

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it ! to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright", Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

WEDDING DRESSES

Why are weddingdresses white?
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes offto double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son insurprise and says,
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

THE COMPUTER TECH HAROLD

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that ?- - ? in case I need to fix it again?'
Harold grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.

POSTED April 10, 2008

DR. SEUSS

Dr. Seuss books for adults

SENIOR CITIZEN AND HIS NEW CORVETTE

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the State-Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused then said, 'Three years! ago, m y wife ran off with a Florida State-Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

POSTED April 09, 2008

TIPS ON PUMPING GAS

I got this e mail and thought that these tips were great and wanted to share them so you all could save some money at the pump!

Click for the most value for your money. .

OLD IS WHEN

You know when you are old when.

POSTED April 08, 2008

IMAGES

You never know what someone will do with your picture after it's taken...

GENDER - SPECIFIC DRIVING ETIQUETTE

A woman is driving at night on a narrow country road. At the same time, a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road .
When they narrowly pass each other at high speed, the woman rolls down her window and loudly shouts - HORSE! Immediately the man shouts back - BITCH!
The man laughs. He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining his speed.
Read the Moral of the story:
Men never listen, and when they do, they don't understand one word a woman says.
See the moral of the story.

CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: - "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
- "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, - "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
- "SHIT !" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center...

POSTED April 03, 2008

WOULD YOU DARE?

In Zimbabwe, Africa, you will find the magnificent Victoria Falls, at a height of 128m.
The location is known as the "Devil's Swimming Pool". During the months of September and December, people can swim as close as possible to the edge of the falls without falling over.
These falls are becoming well known amongst the "radical tourist" industry, when more and more people search for the ultimate experience.

POSTED April 02, 2008

BATH TUB TEST

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?