OCTOBER 2008

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What I think in the most superficial and tangential way.

POSTED OCTOBER 31, 2008

WISDOM

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

HIKING

Power Point Presentation on a Grizzly Bear (Little Grotesque), NO HIKING IN ALASKA!!! "HIKING WITH BEARS"

BEARS

New Problem in the Western National Parks The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect wildlife in the US . Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party... as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a Democrat black bear in Montana nicknamed 'Bearack Obama'! "BEAR"

GREAT CARVINGS PUMPKINS

Power Point Presentation on a Pumpkin Faces "GREAT CARVINGS"

PALINS QUALIFICATIONS

One rap on Sarah Palin's qualifications to be Vice President is that
she governs one of our least populated states, with a budget of "only" $12 billion and 16,000 full-time state employees. On the other hand, it turns out that the Governor's office in Alaska is one of the country's most powerful.
For more than two decades Thad Beyle, a political scientist at the University of North Carolina, has maintained an index of "institutional powers" in state offices. He rates governorships on potential length of service, budgetary and appointment authority, veto power and other factors. Mr. Beyle's findings for 2008 rate Alaska at 4.1 on a scale of 5. The national average is 3.5.
Only four other states -- Maryland, New Jersey, New York and West Virginia -- concentrate as much power in the Governor's office as Alaska does, and only one state (Massachusetts) concentrates more. California may be the nation's most populous state, but its Governor rates as below-average (3.2) in executive authority. This may account in part for Arnold Schwarzenegger's poor legislative track record. The lowest rating goes to Vermont (2.5), where the Governor (remember Howard Dean) is a figurehead compared to Mrs. Palin.
In Alaska, the Governor has line-item veto power over the budget and can only be overridden by a three-quarters majority of the Legislature. In 1992, the year Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton was elected President, his state budget was $2 billion and among the smallest in the country. Compared to that, Sarah Palin is an executive giant.

POSTED OCTOBER 30, 2008

WISDOM

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

BEWARE OF THE FLASHER

FATHER

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids,"
Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

THE CORN FIELD FOR BLONDS

COMPUTER TIP

I use "GOOGLE" as a search engine
* Setting Google Search Preferences -
If you use Google as your primary search engine, take the time to specify the exact options you want to use when running a search. You can configure several useful options on the preference page, including:
- Resulting page languages (to filter out results not in your language)
- Search results displayed per page
- Open results in a new window
- Explicit content results filter
You can configure the Google preferences on your machine by going here:
"GOOGLE PREFERENCES"

POSTED OCTOBER 29, 2008

WISDOM

A hole has been found in the camp wall. The police are looking into it.

GAME

Cool game written in Excell WARNING game is violent "GAME"

WHERE CANDY CORN COMES FROM

"MORE" CRAZY PICTURES!

Click open and get a great laugh "Crazy Pictures"

POSTED OCTOBER 28, 2008

WISDOM

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

TODAY'S MOTIVATIONAL MESSAGE

CRAZY PICTURES!

Click open and get a great laugh "Crazy Pictures"

CHURCH

An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

OIL CRISIS

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in
ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania and Texas
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC!!!

POSTED OCTOBER 27, 2008

WISDOM

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

JOKE

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egyptand is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

KEEP THE CHANGE

BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS


Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your l ife ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF! . . . she was gone!
After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the willows.' Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

POSTED OCTOBER 24, 2008

WISDOM

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

JOKE

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

FAIRY

Now I know all of you have heard of the Tooth Fairy, and The Fairy God Mother,, But have you heard of the B i!CH FAIRY,,, Check Her Out.. Do not fear..the Bi!ch Fairy has arrived to put a smile on your face!!! "FAIRY"

WIFE NAKED

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

DAISY DUKE

This is just a thought. At some point you have to give Up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts "DAISY"

SARAH PALIN

The election is getting heated to the of "HOT" see Palin new approach "SARAH"

POSTED OCTOBER 23, 2008

WISDOM

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

AMAZING

THIS REALLY WORKS!!!
Finally, a chain email that delivers, AMAZING!!! This is great I love it!!!
Click on the link and see the e-mail you can forward
"It really works!!!"

PILLS

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

PASSENGERS

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON AN AIRPLANE If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky & move your lips as if praying
6. Click this "LINK"

SIMPLE

Political Science For "Dummies"

POSTED OCTOBER 22, 2008

WISDOM

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

LOCKHEED DURING WWII

Hiding the Lockheed plant during WWII
Lockheed During WW.II (unbelievable 1940s pictures) This is pretty neat--special effects during the 1940's: I have never seen these pictures or knew that we had gone this far to protect us. During World War II the Army Corps of Engineers needed to hide the Lockheed Burbank Aircraft Plant to protect it from Japanese air attack. They covered it with camouflage netting to make it look like a rural subdivision from the air. (Besides everything else, check out the cars.) "LOCKHEED"

WEDDING DRESS

Here is a wedding dress that is about them all "WEDDING DRESS"

ONE DEAD PARROT

parrot has new home

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith"

WOMANS BRA

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

MEN

AND, just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause..
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And
When we have real trouble it's MISterectomy!!!!

320 POUND WOMAN

The question is, What does a 320 pound woman look like? "320 POUND WOMAN"

POSTED OCTOBER 21, 2008

WISDOM

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

A FAVORITE GAME IN FLORIDA

It's time to play 'Find the Canadian!'
This week's challenge is especially difficult. View the candid photograph
and use logic to locate the clues that will let you 'Find the Canadian!'
Do you have the skill?
Do you have the ability?
Do you know enough about your Northern Cousins?
Can You FIND THE CANADIAN?
Taking notes is permissible but try to limit your time to no more than 5 minutes!
"Click here to play, Good luck!"

YOUNG

How young you fell this image will hurt.. "ouch"

MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

A professor at University of Minnesota was giving a lecture on Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your is doing while you're having an ?'
She replied, 'probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

This Halloween we had an awesome full moon on the 14th image was shoot f-2 shutter 1/6000 and a wide angle "Full moon"

GREEN SPOTS

A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs...a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

POSTED OCTOBER 20, 2008

WISDOM

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, "Tech Support"

JUST WORNG

When it's just not right even on "Halloween"

POSTED OCTOBER 18, 2008

WISDOM

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

OMG!!!

A bit risque, but had to show you... this would scare the heck out of many adults "SCARY"

545 PEOPLE

This is an article written by Charlie Reese, a former columnist for the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper. Very interesting perspective on the state of our Nation! Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them. "READ 545 PEOPLE ARTICLE"

THE BAIL OUT

Power Point Presentation on ... "The Bail Out"

WHY, WHY, WHY

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

1,000 WORDS

Picture is Worth a 1,000 Words!!! "PICTURE"

C-130 CRASH

Power Point Presentation on ... "C130 crash on JUNE 29, 2008<"

CHANGE

Obama said he would change America, ask these contries...

POSTED OCTOBER 17, 2008

WISDOM

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

IRISH VIAGRA

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
" Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

THE GRAVE

Who says you can't take it with you?
"See this grave"

HALLOWEEN PARTY

What do those pumpkins do that on your front step... "Drunk Pumpkin!"

HATE MY JOB

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day,
[even if retired you have those sometimes] try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand..
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully pl ace it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.
How would you like that job?

POSTED OCTOBER 16, 2008

WISDOM

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

COMPUTER TIP OF THE WEEK

Customize Your Folder Toolbars
By default, when you open My Computer, My Documents, or any Windows folder, you are presented a toolbar along the top with navigation commands: Back, Forward, Up One Level, etc. Did you know you can customize this toolbar to add commands for Copy, Paste, Cut, Undo, etc.?
It is easy to do, here is how:
1. Open My Computer.
2. Right click on an empty spot in the toolbar at the top.
3. Select Customize.
4. Move items you want to add from the left side to the right and arrange them in the order you like.
5. Close the dialog box
Now whenever you are browsing folders you will have easy access to the commands you use most.

"F" WORD

When it's okay to use the 'F' word "what the F%^%^"

WHAT WILL GO

After the election what will change next the "NAME"

INCREDIBLE PHOTOS

Power Point Presentation on ... "Incredible Photos"

WHAT WILL GO

How will the Obama support our "TROOPS"

THONGS

Power Point Presentation on ... "The best world thongs"

POSTED OCTOBER 15, 2008

WISDOM

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

SPANGLISH WORD OF THE DAY

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey man, Im looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him!

NEW GOVERMENT SEAL

Official Announcement:
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

You know, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

WAKE UP AMERICA

This should open your eyes. What does Obama read?

...is reading 'The Post-American World' -- it's a Muslim's view.

PHOTOS

Power Point Presentation on ... "photos fantastiques"

SIX TRUTHS OF LIFE

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this
I'm an idiot and I needed company ...

HUGE

As far as Woodpeckers go, it's got to be the biggest on record! "WOOD PECKER"

POSTED OCTOBER 10, 2008

WISDOM

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

SPANGLISH WORD OF THE DAY

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!

TEST YOUR REACTION TIME

The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is: .75 seconds....... or 1 car length for every 10 mph...... Test your average reaction time.. Be very careful this can be addictive. Click the link on the left and good luck.

TATTOO

What would you say to your kid if she came home with a tattoo like this one? Look Closely at the Butterfly Wings "TATTOO"

VERY CLOSE!

Obama Biden
Osama Binladen
A man, having applied to join the Phoenix, Arizona police force, is being interviewed. The Chief says, "Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you". Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues "Take this gun with 13 bullets, and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Obama delegates and a rabbit". The man asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Fantastic attitude!" says the Chief, "When can you start?"

COOL LIGHTNING PHOTOS

Power Point Presentation on ... "Lightning"

BARBIE DOLL

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir ..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

THIS IS GREAT

Halloween Costume of the Year HOOTERS GIRL, "RETIRED"

POSTED OCTOBER 09, 2008

WISDOM

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

SPANGLISH WORD OF THE DAY

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.

INFLATBLE DOLL

A guy goes in an and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up!

SCARY

Power Point Presentation on the scariest Halloween knock knock joke to date... "EYES"

BIG CROWDS

Reason Obama draws big crowds
On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25,000-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10,000-15,000.
The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work."

RUBBER GLOVES

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little Old Lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

POSTED OCTOBER 03, 2008

WISDOM

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

SPANGLISH WORD OF THE DAY

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes

NEVER

Never, never, EVER tell a woman "Cooking is her job!" here is the "reason why."

TICKETS

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.
I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, ' Obama 08' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
The doctor tells me that it's important for my health...:

COCKPITS

Power Point Presentation on the inside of aircraft "COCKPITS "

POSTED OCTOBER 02, 2008

WISDOM

A hangover is the wrath of grapes..

SPANGLISH WORD OF THE DAY

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn't wafer me!

NEE

Living Life Backwards
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School:
Drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you Have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an .
I rest my case.

HELICOPTERS

Power Point Presentation on Dances with "Helicopters "

BARBER SHOP

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation,for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'
McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'