SEPTEMBER 2008

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What I think in the most superficial and tangential way.

POSTED SEPTEMBER 30, 2008

WISDOM

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

SPANGLISH WORD OF THE DAY

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

COMPUTER TIP

Drag Objects in Outlook
Did you know you can easily add and save attachments in Outlook messages using drag and drop? Here are a few examples:
- When saving an attachment from a message, drag the attachment to the destination folder.
- When adding an attachment to a message, drag the file to attach to the message body.
- Save emails as files by dragging the item listing in your inbox to a destination folder.
- Add attachments from one message to another by dragging the attached file in the source message to the message body of the destination message.
- Add emails as attachments by dragging the item listing from your inbox to the message body of an email.

Of course there is more drag and drop functionality in Outlook then what was mentioned above, so play around with it. These features really do help save you time.

GOOD ARGUMENT

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a "PHOTO" of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
Your Friend; WHAT I AM THINKING
This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

AWESOME PHOTOS

PowerPoint presentation on some great "PHOTOS"

$1,500,000 BOAT

Ever wonder how to remove a $1,500,000 BOAT off the reef in the Bahamas PowerPoint presentation on some great "$1,500,000 BOAT"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 29, 2008

WISDOM

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

SIGN IT

Please sign and pass along...
I usually don't pass along these 'add your name' lists that appear in my email, but this one is too important. This one has been circulating for months and months…Please do not delete...if you don't want to sign, at least keep it going! To show your support for Obama and vote for him to be the next President of the United States, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list.
1. Michelle Obama
2. Oprah
3. Al Sharpton

SPANGLISH WORD OF THE DAY

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco, liver alone, cheese mine.

HEART ATTACK

OK... you may have heard about this place... here it is!!!
If this place goes against your religious beliefs, I don't want to hear it!!!
"HEART ATTACK"

WORD.DOC

Download this pretty amazing .doc click play when done loading "Microsoft Word Document"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 27, 2008

WISDOM

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.'

OVER THE LIMIT

Some people will do anything to get elected; I am shock at the amount of makeup that Barack Obama had on before the debate last. They actual made him redo his appearance before he was allowed on national television. Here is a photo taken before the "DEBATE."

SPANGLISH WORD OF THE DAY

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

GUY HUMOR

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, 'How do you get into those pants?' The young woman looks him over and replies, 'Well, you could start by buying me a drink.'

COMPUTER TIP

Windows Key Shortcuts
Here are some uses of the Windows key present on many modern keyboards:
Windows Logo -Display or hide the Start menu
Windows Logo+BREAK - Display the System Properties dialog box
Windows Logo+D - Display the desktop
Windows Logo+M - Minimize all of the windows
Windows Logo+SHIFT+M - Restore the minimized windows
Windows Logo+E - Open My Computer
Windows Logo+F - Search for a file or a folder
CTRL+Windows Logo+F - Search for computers
Windows Logo+F1 - Display Windows Help
Windows Logo+ L -Lock the keyboard
Windows Logo+R - Open the Run dialog box
Windows Logo+U - Open Utility Manager

WHAT DO YOU SEE HERE?

This one is quite tricky!

The Word TEACH reflects as the word LEARN.

POSTED SEPTEMBER 26, 2008

WISDOM

My wife got me to believe in religion Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie, Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Sippy and Rosie.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'

ENJOY!

Ticket for Ass Whuppin by the "police"

SMART PEOPLE

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

Who Am I?

I am under 45 years old,
I love the outdoors,
I hunt,
I am a Republican reformer,
I have taken on the Republican Party establishment,
I have many children,
I have a spot on the national ticket as vice president with less than two years in the governor's office. Did you guess?
I am Teddy Roosevelt in 1900

SPANGLISH WORD OF THE DAY

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.

HARDWARE

PowerPoint presentation on Americas "HARDWARE"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 25, 2008

WISDOM

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

My wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, I burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful.
CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never!
Turn them!
Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt.
USE THE SALT!
THE SALT!"
Then my wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? "
I calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

WINNER IS

There's a lot of good advertising out there but the winner should be this promo at the "Doctor's office."

SPANGLISH WORD OF THE DAY

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My wife gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!

GRAMPA

Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, 'I did that by accident.'
She replied, 'I know that, Grandpa.'
He replied, 'How did you know?'
She said, 'Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards.

AMERICA

I know everyone has a different opinion on the war and our current President, "what a difference 60 years makes!!!"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 24, 2008

WISDOM

Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

While shopping for vacation clothes, my wife and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought my advice.
'What do you think?'
she asked.
'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,'
I replied.
'You'd never get it all in one.'
Then the fight started.

ENJOY!

In Chicago. Check it out, "a job is a job..."

BIRTHDAY GIFT

On my 50th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you will be able to perform as long as you want.'
I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?' 'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. '
I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men.
Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!!

WHAT I THINK

Hey everyone I have some "questions?"

EDITING

PowerPoint presentation on the power of "EDITING"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 23, 2008

WISDOM

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

FOOD CREATIONS

PowerPoint presentation of Pictures on foods "TO PRETTY TO EAT"

ENJOY!

Why the new guy at Dairy Queen got fired! (ADULTS ONLY) "I never liked soft serve..."

POLISH EYE TEST

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

During these time of uncertainty here is Proof of a Tough Real Estate Market "SELL MY HOME"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 20, 2008

WISDOM

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

ENJOY!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

ON THE JOB TRAINING

Barak Obama
143 Days of OJT
You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and become district manager after 143 days of experience.
You couldn't become chief of surgery after 143 days of experience of being a surgeon.
You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be the superintendent after 143 days of experience.
You couldn't join the military and become a colonel after a 143 days of experience.
You couldn't get a job as a reporter and become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience.
BUT....
'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the Senate.
That's how many days the Senate was actually in session and working. After 143 days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief, Leader of the Free World .... 143 days.
We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start. AND, strangely, a large sector of the American public is okay with this and campaigning for him.
We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work, yet some are okay with this for the President of the United States of America?
Come on folks, we are not voting for the next American Idol

TEXAS SHOOT OUT

This Happened Right At The Southern Edge Of Plano, Tx "LUCKY OFFICER"

DUI -- TEXAS STYLE

Only a Texan could think of this.
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. (Well, maybe. . . )
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off -- it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the ot! her pat rons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

COMMENT FROM THE CAT

What if your cat could talk? Crawls and purrs rubs his body in an affectional way to your legs then looks up at you. "What would the cat say? "

POSTED SEPTEMBER 19, 2008

WISDOM

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

ACCIDENTS

Some pictures of accidents I want to avoid... "ACCIDENTS"

ALSAKA NEW PLATE

HONDA ACCORD

If you thought that the people who set up a room full of dominoes to have them knocked over later was amazing, you haven't seen anything yet... there are no computer graphics or digital tricks in these images. Everything that you see happened in real time exactly as you see it.. "HONDA"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 18, 2008

WISDOM

It's always darkest before dawn,
so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

BIKE

How would you like to see this coming at you in the rear view mirror "BIKE"

HAPPY AND SAD

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV
when he turned to his wife and said...
"Honey, tell me something that will make me
Happy and Sad all at the same time."
She said ...
"You have the Biggest Dick of all your Friends."

THE DIFFERENCE

DEAR FRIENDS

It is time for us to stand. It is time for thinking Americans to say, 'Enough.'
It is time for people of all parties to stop following the party line.
It is time for anyone who wants to keep America first, who wants the right man leading their "NATION"

YOUR WANT TO FLY

Pictures of airplane accidents "YOU WANT FLY"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 17, 2008

WISDOM

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

VOTE THEM OUT

33 Senators Voted Against English as America's Official Language June 6, 2007
voting against English as America's official language is vice presidential candidates: Senator Biden

NEVER FORGET

Lord. Hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us "protect us "

COMPUTER TIP

Drop Down List Jump
Whenever you come across a drop down list input box with a lot of options, rather than scrolling through the list, did you know you can simply type the first letter of the word you are looking for an jump to that point in the list? This is a fantastic shortcut which works in browsers and applications.
For example, when selecting your country or state, rather than scrolling through all the selections, just type the first letter and jump to your selection. Typing the same letter repeatedly will cycle through all selections for that letter.
Give it a try.

KILLER JIGSAW PUZZLE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

ADVERTISING

An advertising agency is a service business dedicated to creating for its clients. an outside point of view to the effort of selling the client's products or services. "ADVERTISING"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 16, 2008

WISDOM

Duct tape is like 'The Force'.
It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

UNUSUAL AIRCRAFT

PowerPoint presentation of Pictures on "Unusual aircraft"

VICTORIA TEXAS BOYCOTTED

Victoria, Texas is a town about 80 miles west of Houston .
Local Hispanic leaders there, in opposition to pending Immigration Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria area this past weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community.
The boycott was declared a success by the Hispanic community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down by 19%.
Business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the country were down by 97%, and the cost of daily clean-up and trash collection was down by 84%. Shoppers reported that they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in recent memory, and customers actually paid for purchases with real money, not government debit cards!

MEN

Men strike back! "MEN"

DOG PACK ATTACK GATOR IN FLORIDA

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.
The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.
See the remark able photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.
Not for the squeamish! "PACK OF DOGS"

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

SIGN OWNER

Americas freedom of speech contributes to our Politics "Sign in Mandeville, La. "

POSTED SEPTEMBER 15, 2008

WISDOM

There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one works.

NEWSPAPER

Hays, KS Editorial, Your worng about small towns "EDITORIAL"

POLE DANCING

Very sad that woman are now dacing on the street corners.. "POLE DANCING"

CRUISE SEX

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Debbie.

CLIPPING

Can't MAKE this STUFF up... "NEWSPAPER"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 14, 2008

WISDOM

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

CAN OBAMA BE PRESIDENT?

It seems that Barack Obama is not qualified to be president, after all, for the following reason:
Barack Obama is not legally a U.S. Natural-born citizen according to the law on the books at the time of his birth, which falls between 'December 24,1952 to November 13, 1986? . Presidential office requires a natural-born citizen, if the child was not born to two U.S. Citizen parents, which of course is what exempts John McCain though he was born in the Panama Canal .
US Law very clearly stipulates: “If only one parent was a U.S citizen at The time of your birth, that parent must have resided in the United States for at least ten years, at least five of which had to be after the Age of 16.” Barack Obama's father was not a U.S. Citizen and Obama's mother was only 18 when Obama was born, which means although she had been a U.S. Citizen for 10 years, (or citizen perhaps because of Hawaii being a territory) the mother fails the test for being so, for at least 5 years **prior to** Barack Obama's birth, but *after* age 16. It doesn't matter *after* . In essence, she was not old enough to qualify her son for automatic U.S. Citizenship. At most, there were only 2 years elapsed since his mother turned 16 at the time of Barack Obama's birth when she was 18 in Hawaii. His mother would have needed to have been 16+5= 21 years old, at the time of Barack Obama's birth for him to have been a natural-born citizen As aforementioned, she was a young college student at the time and was not yrs 21 of age. Barack Obama was already 3 years old at that time his mother would have needed to have wai "MORE INFORMATION ON THE COURT CASE"
"Obama’s Birth Certificate – CHANGE you can believe in."

COPPER WIRE

WARNING: "GURESOME IMAGES" Thou Shalt not steal. Apparent copper wire thief electrocuted. Authorities Tuesday were trying to identify a man who was apparently electrocuted while trying to steal copper wire from an electrical transformer on the West Side of Chicago. "COPPER WIRER"

WIFE

A WOMAN WHO GETS IT, what a wife really stands "WIFE" now...

GUY HUMOR

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, 'How do you get into those pants?' The young woman looks him over and replies, 'Well, you could start by buying me a drink.'

BLACK HURRICANES

Black hurricanes....
Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.
She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I=2 0guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand
I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...
Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!

HIGH VOLTAGE

Here is an example of what happens when you come in contact with High Voltage transmission lines. "VOLTAGE"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 13, 2008

WISDOM

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or leaky tire.

REAL PICTURES REAL PEOPLE

OK now who are you voting for?
Okay, let's work this out logically without a lot of emotion.
If you vote for Obama...You get this...But if you vote for McCain...You get...

I don't know about you guys, but looking at this in a logical manner, McCain appears to be the better candidate.

GUY HUMOR

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan.'

DRIVNG

I think this guy should believe there is a "GOD" "DRIVING."

TEXAS MISSION

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a large mule lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Mary's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads over to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to
notify the next of kin.'

WHERE IS THE DEER

Where did he go? "WHERE IS THE DEER?"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 12, 2008

WISDOM

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

TITS

English lilt ...Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me "TITS."

GUY HUMOR

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,
'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute...'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

OMG

There may be many popular meanings for OMG with the most popular definition being t, Oh My God (or Gosh), and that is what I said after beening set these images "Thanks Tom... "OMG."

BIRTHDAY GIFT

My little newphews birthday I bought him a cool "T-SHIRT"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 11, 2008

SEPTEMBER 11th, 2001


Seven years have passed since the September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks on the United States. About 3,000 people died in the coordinated attacks that brought down the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York, left the Pentagon badly damaged and a smoldering gash in a Pennsylvania field where the final hijacked airliner crashed after passengers fought the hijackers.
GOD BLESS AMERICA

NEVER FORGET

PowerPoint presentation on Pictures of 9/11 never seen before------- "SEPTEMBER 11th 2001"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 10, 2008

WISDOM

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

    ALPHABET SONG

     Too much adult theme lately I been e-mailed;
     something for kiddies download the "ALPHABET SONG"

THE WIND

PowerPoint presentation on watching out for the wind Sometimes it's "SURPRISING"

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA SAID HE WOULD TALK TO THEM

ATTRACTIVE BLOND

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder th an ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 09, 2008

WISDOM

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

CHINESE SICK LEAVE 'I NO COME WORK TODAY'!!!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick,
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon, "You got nice house."

CREATION

Creation it was just never explained this way "CREATION"

MONICA

After a relaxing bath... Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.
'God... if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed.
And just like that... her ears fell off

A VIDEO PORTRAIT OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

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POSTED SEPTEMBER 08, 2008

WISDOM

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT

You didn't vote for Jesse and he is 100% American!

CHILDBIRTH AT 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing ver y impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

THINK

Today before you say an unkind word "THINK."

WHY I DRINK

GUY HUMOR

Two Reasons Why Its So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

POSTED SEPTEMBER 07, 2008

WISDOM

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi

WHEN A SOLDIER COMES HOME ...

When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard.... "AMERICAN SOILDERS."

NEW GOP BUMBER STICKER

GUY HUMOR

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse
he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says,
'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation,
'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

THE EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

I know that some of you don't like to read long drawn out missives ...
so here's the executive summary...
................................ Congress .................... Military
John McCain................ 26 Years.................... 22 Years
Barack Obama............. 143 Days
Undecided Americans can find guidance from voting for experience

NO HUNTING

So Real They Look Fake Subdivision in Colorado "WILD LIFE."

FIVE YEAR OLD GIRLS FIRST JOB

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.' 'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will, if those s at Home Depot ever deliver the in' sheet rock.'
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

WEDDING

Power Point Presentation on the Waffle House "WEDDING"

POSTED SEPTEMBER 06, 2008

WISDOM

Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.

THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

USS NEW YORK

Here SHE is, the "USS New York," made from the World Trade Center!

FRIENDS

Power Point Presentation on "FRIENDS"

BEST CARTOON EVER

POSTED SEPTEMBER 05, 2008

WISDOM

Artificial Intelligence Is No Match For Natural Stupidity.

CHECK OUT THIS LADY

Bet you would have never guessed this one! No matter your politics.
The media will never tell of this, so pass it on. "GO GIRL!"

THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

GUY HUMOR

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all,' 'Me neither, Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

MICHELANGLO'S STATUE OF DAVID


After "NEW" sponsers and a two year visit to the United States,
Michelangelo's famous statue of David is returning to Italy ...
Remember the statue of David in Italy? Fast food chains are sponsoring "Great Art Events lately, its does have it effects"
Not quite the way I remember it look at "STATUE OF DAVID" now...

POSTED SEPTEMBER 04, 2008

WISDOM

The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the cable company.

THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started.....

NEXT VICE PRESIDENT

The next "VICE PRESIDENT" of the Unites States?

NOT PATRIOTIC FASHION

Barack Obama Removes American Flag from Plane!
Barack Obama Plane Tailfin with his Logo
Obama, in his typical NOT PATRIOTIC FASHION removes the American Flag logo from his plane.
BEFORE

Obama plane before alteration
AFTER

Obama plane after alterations
Barack Obama recently finished a $500,000 total overhaul of his 757. And as part of the new design, he decided to remove the American flag from the tailfin and replace it with his own logo. What American running for President of the United States would remove the symbol of his country, and even worse, he replaced the flag with a symbol of himself. Is Barack Obama willing to put Country over Self? In this campaign, it doesn't appear so. Barack Obama's fight the smears website states Barack DOES display the American Flag on his airplane. View picture from THEIR website below.

Do you see it? That little speck. They also include a zoomed in photo just in case you cannot see it. Wow, I am impressed!?!? It still appears a lot smaller than the Obama logo.

POSTED SEPTEMBER 03, 2008

WISDOM

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

GUY HUMOR

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife at all,'
'Me neither, Doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

WILL POWER

I smiled after looking at the first photo...you will also smile. "WILL POWER."

CUTTING THE GRASS

The picture of this Army soldier in Iraq with his tiny 'plot' of grass in front of his tent. It's heartwarming! Here is a soldier stationed in Iraq , stationed in a big sand box. He asked his wife to send him dirt ( U.S. Soil), fertilizer, and some grass seed so that he can have the sweet aroma, and feel the grass grow beneath his feet When the men of the squadron have a mission that they a re going on, they take turns walking through the grass and the American soil -- to bring them good luck.
You will notice, he is even cutting the grass with a pair o sors. Sometimes we are in such a hurry that we don't stop and think about the little things that we take for granted. Take a minute and say a pray for our miltary, GOD BLESS AMERICA. "CUTTING THE GRASS."

WEIGHT LOST

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, the man takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
The man calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for >broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock a t the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy, standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.

MCDONALDS

YEP! Fast food is even in the third world countries, drive thur at "MCDONALDS."

POSTED SEPTEMBER 02, 2008

WISDOM

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant": is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist".

GUY HUMOR

A little boy went up to his father and asked:
'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine'

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

AMAZING AIR CAR FROM INDIA

This is the same company which-a few months back-invented a car that costs only $2500 new. "AIR CAR."

ANWR

ANWR = Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. "SEE ANWR."